In early February my oldest daughter and I went off together for 6 days of sand and sunshine, and guess what happened? It rained. It rained a lot. During our time in the land of puddles and mosquitoes, I responded like I usually do when I experience disappointment or upset in life: I felt sorry for myself. In contrast, my daughter loved binge watching her favorite shows and was happy to sleep instead of hitting the beach for the sunrise. While I struggled to regulate my emotions about this rained-out vacation, she was the picture of emotional regulation, content with what was. If you ask her, she’ll tell you that her favorite memory from the trip is the night we went and found a rooftop hot tub at a nearby building and watched the palm trees violently sway and the ocean rage while we discussed where we would climb to if there was a tsunami. I mean, there’s me begrudging the goosebumps that were multiplying all over my untanned skin, heavy-hearted with disappointment, and then there’s her, full of life and laughter creating her favorite vacation memory. She took each day of the trip as it was, expected nothing, and embodied an easy come, easy go attitude about both the privilege of being on this type of trip, and the unexpected weather.
In observing her, I could see that she didn’t live her life like there was a correlation between her effort and her experience. It appeared her goal for the day was to get to the end of it with ease and flow. It looked like a good day to her was about struggling as little as possible. What a fu&*ing novel approach to life. Her mother (that’s me sheepishly raising my hand), conversely, was holding tight to a long-held belief that big struggles come with big rewards, and that the harder I worked for something, the more deserving I was of the outcome.
I think my teenager’s novel-to-me approach is a combination of her personality (ever the go-with-the-flow-er, living in the moment) and her developmental stage. Adolescent brains are still egocentric while also being in the middle of an “adolescent achievement drop”. Usually, occurring between the ages of 9 and 13 years old, adolescents care a whole lot less about putting in any effort. They can appear unmotivated to work hard in most aspects of their lives. They often function from a mindset that looks like, I put in zero effort and I still enjoy all the rewards. During this age and stage teens seem to have a vibe of entitlement that can really grind my gears. Except on this rubber boot requiring adventure, I had the opportunity to see the “no-effort-still-get-the-reward” attitude from a whole new perspective. My daughter offered me a perspective shift that nudged me in the direction of questioning if my own entitlement was any different from hers. A rained-out vacation in a sun destination is disappointing for anyone, but it’s a special kind of disappointment for a mother who feels like she earned that sunshine after years of self-sacrifice and martyrdom in the name of love for her family.
After watching my teen live her best vacation life, and realizing that she clearly did not hold a belief that discomfort is the price we must pay for a meaningful life, I had to slam on the brakes in the metaphorical struggle bus to destination self-sacrifice that I have been driving for decades and consider a new-to-me possibility…
Maybe the reward at the end of the day (year, decade, lifetime) is the sweetness of an enjoyable day (year, decade, lifetime) that we didn’t have to struggle to earn?
This week, while resting in savasana at the end of a yoga class, still drying out emotionally and physically from the rained-out trip, my yoga teacher read something in her soothing and melodic voice that sums up, better than I ever could, what my daughter taught me on this trip. I’m changing one word to serve my purpose, but it went a little something like this:
“The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal. The goal is to create space where you were once stuck. To unveil the layers of protection you’ve built around your heart. To appreciate your body and become aware of the mind and the noise it creates. To make peace with who are. The goal is to love, well…You. Come to your yoga mat life to feel; not to accomplish. Shift your focus and your heart will grow.” *
Turns out, we really do have a lot to learn from our disappointments.
And from our teenagers.
–Michelle
*This is a Rachel Brathen quote